These are surely not the best colors that you shine...

So things have been going a little rough for me lately, and for a while I was drowning in my own hopelessness, until I sat down and realized that I had to talk to someone about what was going wrong. I thought about it for a while and finally concluded that I should call my big brother, and ask him for some much needed wisdom. We talked long into the night about all kinds of things, mostly I had a lot of questions to ask him about what to do with some situations I've found myself in lately. But after he had listened to everything I had to say, he paused for a moment and finally said: "Little Sister, I know that in the end, you'll make the right decision"...
It gave me a lot of heart to hear him say that, particularly after these last few months. I had lost a lot of faith in myself, and I guess I just needed someone to tell me that they believed in me even if I didn't. So I have resolved to start anew, and I hope that this time I will be able to hold on to my new-found confidence. It seems as though every time I think I'll start over and begin again, something terrible goes wrong. But maybe this one last time will be the charm I need. And even if I do fall down again, I know that I'll always have my bothers right there beside me to help me on my feet again. Someone once told me that siblings were man's greatest Ally. I'm beginning to understand why exactly that is. I never understood what that meant until I started having trouble with the world, and guess who was there for me at the first calling....?
I know now that no one will ever love me like my siblings, no one will ever be closer to me, or have my best interests at heart like they do. Now all that's left is for me to shine
some new colors... = )

Peace and love to you with all my heart.
~Swan

Random thoughts of a pearl strung heart

"Hey beautiful, It's Justin. Hey give me a call when you get this, kay? I got a question for ya. Mkay bye"...

That was actually a voice-mail that I got on my phone the other day, and I can honestly say that it shocked me to receive it. But even so, after a few moments (or rather 20 minutes) of listening and re-listening, pondering it's meaning, I finally decided to call back and see what my friend wanted to ask me. I had only just gotten off of work, and that day had been particularly busy because of New-Years, so yea, I was a little tired... but not quite ready to go home. Even though I knew that my parents were expecting me back soon, I looked at the clock and figured that there would be just enough time for a short call. So...I did.
Now, if your wondering the specifics of what took place in our conversation, then I'm afraid that I cannot tell you. But put very lightly and very simply, he asked me if I wanted to spend New-Years Eve with him. And the rest I will leave to your imagination...

Other random and surprising things have been coming my way of late, and I find myself wondering where exactly they will all lead me in the future. One of the instances that found it's way onto my life recently was actually pretty painful and a little hard to bear. The last brother in my family left yesterday to start basic training in the Air Force, and it hurts to think that I wont see him again for a while. I love my brothers with all of my heart, but now that they're all gone I feel more alone than ever without them. But by the grace of God I still have my sister and few closest friends here to watch out for me. Without them I probably would have gotten myself into gobs of trouble by now. = )
But even though a whole manner of strange things have found their place inside my world, I understand that they will have an important impact on my life weather it's good or bad.
But then I guess that could go for a lot of other things as well, like friends for instance. Some of my choices in friends lately have been somewhat overrated in the eyes of my parents. But they have been graceful and understanding about the whole thing, and I owe them so much for that. These people that my family are not particularly fond of, though, are people I have grown strangely attached to in a way I can hardly describe. They are the ones that you would think nothing of, if you passed them on the street or saw their face for a moment only to lose it to a sea of a hundred other faces. They are the kind you have to know in order to see closely their true beauty and potential. I love them all, these dark ones that I have chosen to befriend. Because in their hearts they are all honorable, loyal, and good.
You just have to look a little closer...


With all the love that I have
~Swan

A love letter...of a kind.

Well it's time for another post! Though, I must confess that I had a slight dilemma on what exactly to write about, but I finally decided on a love letter. Ok, it's not really a love letter, but rather a secret message to someone that I've been missing lately. The message is actually in the lyrics of a song that we both really like. So this one is for him... = ]


Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and Please tell me you'll stay,
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

With all of my love
~Swan

Laugh, Love, Live free, and Sing

Well the days are getting colder, but my life just keeps getting warmer! Chester is having a Fish-Tailing good time in the snow, and I'm simply living the dream. Strangely enough, I feel a sense of contentment around me that I have not felt in many long months of restless living. Everything has been going so fast for me lately that I lost track of myself and forgot to stop and take a nice long look around. And it startled me, the things I saw, when I did take a moment to look at myself and all the things around me that have happened. It struck me that I had forgotten my intended purpose and exactly what it was that I had been living for in the first place. But alas, after drinking several gallons of green tea, a few hundred man-hours of meditation, and a good sobering kick in the rump from my sister, I've come to realize all the wonderful things that I've been missing of late. So yesterday when I woke, I was determined to live that day to it's fullest!!!....the only problem being, I started it off with a little too much energy and enthusiasm, lol! People were so startled by my sudden change of mood that they thought I was high on something. *grins*... But, paying no mind to the strange glances, I went out with my mom and got a Christmas tree (finally), and laughed the whole way to the store. And of course everyone thought I was a maniac! But ya know? It's ok, cuz that was fun-time with my mom that was absolutely priceless. When we got home with the tree though, I soon found out that my sister wasn't home to help me with it, and that the tree stand was outside all dirty. Well, I wasn't about to let THAT rain on my ever so happy-gothic parade! So to fill the time, I went out and cleaned the stand, then went grocery shopping with my brother. And when we got home, so was she. My sister and I decorated and ate doughnuts until we were so full and content that we couldn't stay awake any longer. So we sat in the dark and watched the tree sparkle for a little while and then finally wandered off to bed, in a daze of musky happiness. But before falling asleep last night, I smiled like I have never smiled before. These were the things that I used to live for! And I don't think I ever really lost them, I think they just faded out of the main picture for a little while. But whatever happened, they've floated back to the surface, and I'm really starting to feel the effects of it, lol! But just as a footnote, a certain person is thinking about taking this opportunity to ask me to give up my heavy metal music, but they are truly wasting their valuable time, lol. Just because I'm happy, doesn't mean my tastes have changed any. I'm sorry to disappoint, dear friend, but not this time. You know who you are...
And with one last note to the party people: stay warm, stay happy, live free, and never forget what you live for and what you represent...

With all my love
~Swan

Several things at once

It's kind of hard to know where to start when you're talking about the vast subject of many things happening in your life all at once. But I think I might be able to pull it off. So let's see...

I've been wanting to pierce my ears for some time now, but I never seem to get around to it...ever. But alas, It seems to me a blessing now that I haven't had it done yet because as it turns out I need them gauged. Now, if anyone is wondering why on earth I want/need them gauged, well the answer is very simple. Someone gave me a pair of old earrings that I thought were absolutely beautiful. And these earrings are of such a nature, that in order for me to wear them I need bigger-than-normal-sized ear piercings. So, hopefully that goes well...

Another thing that's been going on, is the sad fact that the same person who gave me those earrings, quit his job at the store and has left me in sadness at the loss of his company. But luckily we exchanged phone numbers, So we'll be able to keep in touch. The only problem with that though is the fact that I'm a little-bit chicken when it comes to calling people on the phone. I don't know, It's just always felt a little awkward to me. I've only been able to work up the courage to do it a couple of times, and then only when I got a missed call, lol!
But who knows, Maybe I'll miss him so much that I'll end up calling him one night anyway in spite of my cowardice... =]

And also I got quite a scare the other day when I went out to my car to go to work, only to find that not only did he refuse to start, but wouldn't even attempt to crank. Well obviously I freaked out! But after a yelp, a few deep breaths, and actually asking Chester what on earth was wrong, he rolled his eyes at me and told me to look at the gear box...
Weh-hell, It turns out that when my dad moved him out of the driveway, he parked Chester with his gear in drive. So, I simply put him into park and then started up his engine, and with all the wrongs put to rite I tootled off to work merrily slipping and sliding the whole way. And you know what Chester said to me after he dropped me off at work?

..."Don't ever let you dad drive me again"...

Oh yea! and we don't have a Christmas tree up at our house yet. I'm not exactly sure why we haven't gotten around to it yet. We haven't even gone shopping yet. But I think it's because every member of my family works like crazy. I'm perfectly serious when I say that mine is the biggest working family in the world. But yea, I really hope that we get a tree soon because Christmas wouldn't feel the same without it...

Well that's all I have to tell for now, but life keeps on living so I'm pretty sure I'll have more to write really soon. But until then I must say goodbye for a little while. =]

With all my heart and all my love to you
~Swan

Just one of those things...

So,I went out to talk to my car the other day, you know, just to talk. And the conversation that took place was probably the strangest I have had with him since the day that I met him. I walked outside toward his regular parking-spot, but realized he wasn't there. So I rolled my eyes and called out for him. "Chester!......*silence*......Cheeeesteeeerr!" By this time I was getting annoyed, but I decided to try one more time, only this time louder. *gasp*...CHESTER!!!!
Well, as you can guess nothing happened. So I just sat down on the sidewalk to wait for his return, whenever he decided to come home that is...
But as it turns out, I did not have to wait long before I heard a familiar voice say: "You know,you shouldn't look so sad. I mean, I know I'm good looking and all that, but you don't have to get all bent out of shape over me". I looked up at him, smiled, and said; "Where on earth have you been off to? You don't just roll away without telling me where you're going! I own your keys!!! And besides, didn't Kenny tell you that I needed to talk to you?" "Well" he said, "I guess...he might have mentioned....Awww,but come on now,just how many rear-view mirror hangers would YOU trust to tell you something important? He's like that little thing that wouldn't go away! He bugs me all the time,so just told myself not to listen to him....ever..."
"Look Chester,I told you guys that you have to at last TRY to get along, because if you don't, I'll have to separate you two, and then I'll be sad cuz I really like you both together." "No" he said sadly, "You don't have to do that...It's just that I've been a little temperamental lately....It's not Kenny's fault." " Well then, what is it?" I asked him, surprised that for once he actually wasn't blaming Kenny. "It's...well...that guy you've been hanging around with at work." I stared at him a moment in complete confusion, but quickly snapped back into reality, and said; "That is what's been bothering you? J V K?!!" "Well...Yes. And I'll tell ya, I don't like that dude....he looks funny".... Chester seemed a little embarrassed while he said this, so I gave him a loving pat on the hood and said to him quietly; "J is perfectly harmless,we just like to talk that's all. You really don't have to worry about it". No sooner had I finished my sentence, when I knew in my wishbone what Chester would say after that. *sigh* He stared at me in a disturbingly knowledgeable way and said to me; "That's what YOU think. But trust me, that guy is bad for you. And I especially don't like the dirty looks his car gives me across the parking lot".... "Don't bad-mouth 'em babe!" I said, "they're both really nice to me, unlike a few people I could mention, and J is truly fun to around". "Hmmf!" He mumbled. "I like that Curtis kid better. Why can't you hang out with him more often? And that girl you know, what's her name...JO!...that's it, Jo. I like her allot...especially when she came to visit me that night after work".... "Look" I said, "We've been over this before, and I'm most certainly NOT going into it again. There are perfectly good reasons why we don't hang out much anymore". "Yea" he said sulkily, " I know. It's just that I worry for you....I really care about you and I just don't want anything bad to happen".... "It's alright Chester" I was blushing by now, "Nothing bad is going to happen"....

The rest of our conversation that day is blurr to my memory. And however pointless it may have seemed, I guess one good thing came from it....Kenny and Chester don't fight anymore. = ]

Lol! With my love
~Swan

Thoughts on people I know.

OK,I have to warn you that all this page is going to be about is just some silliness on some people I have discovered both recently and not so recently. So with that said,here we go...

1. Dave.
My brother and truly my best friend in the all the world. From early childhood to the very now he's taught me everything from reading time to opening a butterfly knife...*ahem*...correctly lol. And yes he is also the one who instilled in me my love for mechanics,particularly cars in general but what can I say,I love the occasional odd job here and there :D. But yea,he's probably the best man I know. He's done allot for me,and I owe him everything...

2. Mom & Dad.
There aren't words to express how grateful I am to them,so I'm not even going to try.

3. Brandie.
She's the only person I know who was able to get me in touch with my wild side. Being around her is like living through one very wild party that never ends. She's really a blast,and I'm so happy to call her my friend = ]

4. Ashton.
A dear friend of mine that I met a long time ago while working backstage at the local playhouse. He used to work at a movie theater a while back. I haven't seen or spoken to him in a long time because he ran off to Chicago for school. But I still think of him often,and always carry him in my heart...

5. Claire.
I love her so much! I actually met her through Ashton that same year,and later found out that I worked at the same place she did. Lol,how weird is that? But yea,she's so sweet!!! I wouldn't trade her for anybody. :D

6. Justin R.
If your looking for kindness and sympathy,you will most certainly find it in Justin Rogge.
Every time I run into him at work he starts smiling and waving at me like he hasn't seen me in thirty years. He has a big heart,and I don't think I could go wrong saying that he is dear to me.

7. Curtis & Jo.
OK,I put you guys together because after much debate with me and myself,I finally concluded that one was not complete without the other lol. But you guys are truly a big part of me,and I really don't think that I would be the same person I am now if I had never known you two. So with all my heart I thank you for that...

8. Brothers,Sister,and Teder.
....I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! *looks side to side then gives big hug* = ]

9. J Van K.
This dude is the strangest man I have ever met in my life! But I have to say that he is the best for making me laugh. Spend just one evening around him and you will come away knowing things you never thought possible...good...and bad,lol! But for all his weirdness I love him to death. And so with that ending note,I say goodbye for a little while...

With all my love
~Swan