A love letter...of a kind.

Well it's time for another post! Though, I must confess that I had a slight dilemma on what exactly to write about, but I finally decided on a love letter. Ok, it's not really a love letter, but rather a secret message to someone that I've been missing lately. The message is actually in the lyrics of a song that we both really like. So this one is for him... = ]


Your Guardian Angel Lyrics

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and Please tell me you'll stay,
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

With all of my love
~Swan

Laugh, Love, Live free, and Sing

Well the days are getting colder, but my life just keeps getting warmer! Chester is having a Fish-Tailing good time in the snow, and I'm simply living the dream. Strangely enough, I feel a sense of contentment around me that I have not felt in many long months of restless living. Everything has been going so fast for me lately that I lost track of myself and forgot to stop and take a nice long look around. And it startled me, the things I saw, when I did take a moment to look at myself and all the things around me that have happened. It struck me that I had forgotten my intended purpose and exactly what it was that I had been living for in the first place. But alas, after drinking several gallons of green tea, a few hundred man-hours of meditation, and a good sobering kick in the rump from my sister, I've come to realize all the wonderful things that I've been missing of late. So yesterday when I woke, I was determined to live that day to it's fullest!!!....the only problem being, I started it off with a little too much energy and enthusiasm, lol! People were so startled by my sudden change of mood that they thought I was high on something. *grins*... But, paying no mind to the strange glances, I went out with my mom and got a Christmas tree (finally), and laughed the whole way to the store. And of course everyone thought I was a maniac! But ya know? It's ok, cuz that was fun-time with my mom that was absolutely priceless. When we got home with the tree though, I soon found out that my sister wasn't home to help me with it, and that the tree stand was outside all dirty. Well, I wasn't about to let THAT rain on my ever so happy-gothic parade! So to fill the time, I went out and cleaned the stand, then went grocery shopping with my brother. And when we got home, so was she. My sister and I decorated and ate doughnuts until we were so full and content that we couldn't stay awake any longer. So we sat in the dark and watched the tree sparkle for a little while and then finally wandered off to bed, in a daze of musky happiness. But before falling asleep last night, I smiled like I have never smiled before. These were the things that I used to live for! And I don't think I ever really lost them, I think they just faded out of the main picture for a little while. But whatever happened, they've floated back to the surface, and I'm really starting to feel the effects of it, lol! But just as a footnote, a certain person is thinking about taking this opportunity to ask me to give up my heavy metal music, but they are truly wasting their valuable time, lol. Just because I'm happy, doesn't mean my tastes have changed any. I'm sorry to disappoint, dear friend, but not this time. You know who you are...
And with one last note to the party people: stay warm, stay happy, live free, and never forget what you live for and what you represent...

With all my love
~Swan

Several things at once

It's kind of hard to know where to start when you're talking about the vast subject of many things happening in your life all at once. But I think I might be able to pull it off. So let's see...

I've been wanting to pierce my ears for some time now, but I never seem to get around to it...ever. But alas, It seems to me a blessing now that I haven't had it done yet because as it turns out I need them gauged. Now, if anyone is wondering why on earth I want/need them gauged, well the answer is very simple. Someone gave me a pair of old earrings that I thought were absolutely beautiful. And these earrings are of such a nature, that in order for me to wear them I need bigger-than-normal-sized ear piercings. So, hopefully that goes well...

Another thing that's been going on, is the sad fact that the same person who gave me those earrings, quit his job at the store and has left me in sadness at the loss of his company. But luckily we exchanged phone numbers, So we'll be able to keep in touch. The only problem with that though is the fact that I'm a little-bit chicken when it comes to calling people on the phone. I don't know, It's just always felt a little awkward to me. I've only been able to work up the courage to do it a couple of times, and then only when I got a missed call, lol!
But who knows, Maybe I'll miss him so much that I'll end up calling him one night anyway in spite of my cowardice... =]

And also I got quite a scare the other day when I went out to my car to go to work, only to find that not only did he refuse to start, but wouldn't even attempt to crank. Well obviously I freaked out! But after a yelp, a few deep breaths, and actually asking Chester what on earth was wrong, he rolled his eyes at me and told me to look at the gear box...
Weh-hell, It turns out that when my dad moved him out of the driveway, he parked Chester with his gear in drive. So, I simply put him into park and then started up his engine, and with all the wrongs put to rite I tootled off to work merrily slipping and sliding the whole way. And you know what Chester said to me after he dropped me off at work?

..."Don't ever let you dad drive me again"...

Oh yea! and we don't have a Christmas tree up at our house yet. I'm not exactly sure why we haven't gotten around to it yet. We haven't even gone shopping yet. But I think it's because every member of my family works like crazy. I'm perfectly serious when I say that mine is the biggest working family in the world. But yea, I really hope that we get a tree soon because Christmas wouldn't feel the same without it...

Well that's all I have to tell for now, but life keeps on living so I'm pretty sure I'll have more to write really soon. But until then I must say goodbye for a little while. =]

With all my heart and all my love to you
~Swan

Just one of those things...

So,I went out to talk to my car the other day, you know, just to talk. And the conversation that took place was probably the strangest I have had with him since the day that I met him. I walked outside toward his regular parking-spot, but realized he wasn't there. So I rolled my eyes and called out for him. "Chester!......*silence*......Cheeeesteeeerr!" By this time I was getting annoyed, but I decided to try one more time, only this time louder. *gasp*...CHESTER!!!!
Well, as you can guess nothing happened. So I just sat down on the sidewalk to wait for his return, whenever he decided to come home that is...
But as it turns out, I did not have to wait long before I heard a familiar voice say: "You know,you shouldn't look so sad. I mean, I know I'm good looking and all that, but you don't have to get all bent out of shape over me". I looked up at him, smiled, and said; "Where on earth have you been off to? You don't just roll away without telling me where you're going! I own your keys!!! And besides, didn't Kenny tell you that I needed to talk to you?" "Well" he said, "I guess...he might have mentioned....Awww,but come on now,just how many rear-view mirror hangers would YOU trust to tell you something important? He's like that little thing that wouldn't go away! He bugs me all the time,so just told myself not to listen to him....ever..."
"Look Chester,I told you guys that you have to at last TRY to get along, because if you don't, I'll have to separate you two, and then I'll be sad cuz I really like you both together." "No" he said sadly, "You don't have to do that...It's just that I've been a little temperamental lately....It's not Kenny's fault." " Well then, what is it?" I asked him, surprised that for once he actually wasn't blaming Kenny. "It's...well...that guy you've been hanging around with at work." I stared at him a moment in complete confusion, but quickly snapped back into reality, and said; "That is what's been bothering you? J V K?!!" "Well...Yes. And I'll tell ya, I don't like that dude....he looks funny".... Chester seemed a little embarrassed while he said this, so I gave him a loving pat on the hood and said to him quietly; "J is perfectly harmless,we just like to talk that's all. You really don't have to worry about it". No sooner had I finished my sentence, when I knew in my wishbone what Chester would say after that. *sigh* He stared at me in a disturbingly knowledgeable way and said to me; "That's what YOU think. But trust me, that guy is bad for you. And I especially don't like the dirty looks his car gives me across the parking lot".... "Don't bad-mouth 'em babe!" I said, "they're both really nice to me, unlike a few people I could mention, and J is truly fun to around". "Hmmf!" He mumbled. "I like that Curtis kid better. Why can't you hang out with him more often? And that girl you know, what's her name...JO!...that's it, Jo. I like her allot...especially when she came to visit me that night after work".... "Look" I said, "We've been over this before, and I'm most certainly NOT going into it again. There are perfectly good reasons why we don't hang out much anymore". "Yea" he said sulkily, " I know. It's just that I worry for you....I really care about you and I just don't want anything bad to happen".... "It's alright Chester" I was blushing by now, "Nothing bad is going to happen"....

The rest of our conversation that day is blurr to my memory. And however pointless it may have seemed, I guess one good thing came from it....Kenny and Chester don't fight anymore. = ]

Lol! With my love
~Swan

Thoughts on people I know.

OK,I have to warn you that all this page is going to be about is just some silliness on some people I have discovered both recently and not so recently. So with that said,here we go...

1. Dave.
My brother and truly my best friend in the all the world. From early childhood to the very now he's taught me everything from reading time to opening a butterfly knife...*ahem*...correctly lol. And yes he is also the one who instilled in me my love for mechanics,particularly cars in general but what can I say,I love the occasional odd job here and there :D. But yea,he's probably the best man I know. He's done allot for me,and I owe him everything...

2. Mom & Dad.
There aren't words to express how grateful I am to them,so I'm not even going to try.

3. Brandie.
She's the only person I know who was able to get me in touch with my wild side. Being around her is like living through one very wild party that never ends. She's really a blast,and I'm so happy to call her my friend = ]

4. Ashton.
A dear friend of mine that I met a long time ago while working backstage at the local playhouse. He used to work at a movie theater a while back. I haven't seen or spoken to him in a long time because he ran off to Chicago for school. But I still think of him often,and always carry him in my heart...

5. Claire.
I love her so much! I actually met her through Ashton that same year,and later found out that I worked at the same place she did. Lol,how weird is that? But yea,she's so sweet!!! I wouldn't trade her for anybody. :D

6. Justin R.
If your looking for kindness and sympathy,you will most certainly find it in Justin Rogge.
Every time I run into him at work he starts smiling and waving at me like he hasn't seen me in thirty years. He has a big heart,and I don't think I could go wrong saying that he is dear to me.

7. Curtis & Jo.
OK,I put you guys together because after much debate with me and myself,I finally concluded that one was not complete without the other lol. But you guys are truly a big part of me,and I really don't think that I would be the same person I am now if I had never known you two. So with all my heart I thank you for that...

8. Brothers,Sister,and Teder.
....I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! *looks side to side then gives big hug* = ]

9. J Van K.
This dude is the strangest man I have ever met in my life! But I have to say that he is the best for making me laugh. Spend just one evening around him and you will come away knowing things you never thought possible...good...and bad,lol! But for all his weirdness I love him to death. And so with that ending note,I say goodbye for a little while...

With all my love
~Swan

Quiet places

Inside my heart of hearts I keep a quiet place tucked away,deep down far from the other parts of my soul,so that it's pale secrets may never escape out into the world. I keep it there to always remind me of the things I have loved and lost. It is in this place where I keep memories that I shared with only one other person,one of whom I love very much,and one who will always be close to my heart no matter how far apart we may be. In this place I also keep my love for God,so that wherever my life will lead me,my love will always burn in me and keep my life in peace. I knew a place once,it was a Gothic church on the border of Germany,that my family and I found during one of our many adventures. It was the most beautiful church I had ever seen in my life,and it was there that I found my faith. Walking down the dark isles of the sanctuary,I thought of all the people in the past who had come there to pray and to give their thanks for all the blessings in their lives. I give my thanks for all the good people I have known throughout my life and all the blessing I have been given...

With my deepest affection
~Swan

Just noticed something...

OK,I have to say that I just noticed something very odd. I still sleep with the same teddy bear that I slept with eleven years ago. I never realized that until today when I was working at a register and found myself really missing him. It's kind of funny though,because when I was a baby I hated the gross things that baby's did like sucking their thumbs or using binkies and blankets. But on my fifth birthday my mama and daddy brought home the cutest teder-bear as my present. And I swear that the moment I laid eyes on him I fell in love. He stole my heart away and I haven't gotten it back since then. I really think that he and I were meant to be. I carried him around allot back then,so now he's so tattered that he doesn't look much like a teddy anymore,but it's all good! He's a teddy to me and my heart,and that's all that really matters. I still carry him around whenever I get the chance,he and I watch movies together or read books, or study for choir. Whatever the occasion,if we can do it together,we do it period. Yes,even if people point,laugh,or stare...or a little of all three. But I say to you now,cherish your teddy bears,because they have loved you solidly and will never fail you in a time of need! Remember that,and you'll be A-OK...

*poses dramatically with teddy tucked under arm* LOL!

With lots of love from us both...
~Swan and Teder-Bear

The best things in my life

*It all happened one day when i was with my brother in his truck driving down the highway one sunny morning. Something about that day made me realize just how special my life and all the people in it really are. Our arms were hanging lazily out the window and the radio was playing some of our favorite rock songs. He and i were just talking and laughing about all the crazy things we could do in our futures and how awesome it would be if those things actually happened. Thinking back on that now,it seems as though it all played through in slow motion. In fact all of my best memories seem that way,but the worst vice i have is the fact that i always manage to take things for granted,and i never know a good thing until it's gone. Though one positive thing i have managed to realize in time is my brothers and sister. I know now after much trial and much more error,that they are all that is best in me. If it were not for them and all of their wonderful weirdness,i would not be the strange but complete person that i have become now. Even when we all have our disagreements,i try never to forget what their being in my life means and how i am effected by it. The same would also have to go for my closest and dearest friends. Though there aren't many,i know that they are as big a part of my life as my family is. Since my life began i have had enough memories to last twelve lifetimes,and every single one of them incredible in it's own way. It's all the little things that most people would forget,things like giving someone a band aid,changing the oil,sitting on the porch drinking coffee on a chili morning,phone conversations on Saturday night,listening to the radio,or just spending time with someone you care about. They say to live and learn,but i have done so much more than just that. I have loved and been loved,and that means the world to me*....

With all my heart to yours,
laugh,love,live free,and sing.

~Swan

The hood of my car

OK, the word is out! The hood of my car has become the official billboard of the entire planet! I'm serious...alright here's how it works; it's getting to be winter where i live and that means two things: (1) it gets pretty cold, (2) it also gets verrry dusty. Now,what does this have to do with my car, you ask? Well the answer is simple. Since it's been so chili I haven't washed my car in a while,so obviously it's built up a little... grime *ahem*. But anyway,people at work and other various places seemed to discover the dirt's amazing properties,and started fingering messages into it. Some of the messages were for me,and some were written just to be thrown out to the universe. I even have a smiley-face on my windshield =] (thanx Jo)!!! So now you know,that the title for "universal-car-billboard" has been taken. And nothing,not the pyramids or the tenth wonder of the world, holds a candle to the hood of my car!

*throws dramatic gesture towards dirty car*

lol,with love
~swan

Assorted things

Well,at the end of the week i have to say,that aside from a few ups and downs on an emotional level,things haven't been to bad for me. I've started some new training at work,and that's been a little confusing,but on the whole it's been ok. This entire last month has been full of sobering experiences for me. All my brothers,my closest family,are moved or moving away. And also I have a few good friends who will be moving away soon for school; some already have.
Other assorted sobering instances varied throughout my life as this last week wore on, some of them at work,some at home,a couple were in my car driving home one night. They were peppered throughout in very colorful/dangerous ways. But i made it through all in one piece,and I'm the wiser for it. It just makes me wonder what next week will be like...hmmm.....yea,maybe i shouldn't think about it,and just let come on it's own time.

On another side of my rich and strange life,I've been thinking about going back to church. It's been a while since I've gone,because it seems like every year we move again. so i just did all of my religious study at home with my family. But I've lived here for almost three years now and it doesn't seem like I'll be moving any time soon,so I'm considering the possibility that I'll go back. I can't give any promises though. =]
Another thing that's got me really wondering is my car. Now,anyone who knows me,also knows what my car means to me. So with that in mind,obviously it would scare me when i go to change his oil and i can't find the proper oil filter replacement. i was really freaking out,but in the end i just had to put new oil in and leave the old filter on. Oh-well,better luck finding the right one next time.

And one more thing I've gotta tell about is when my siblings and I took a sharpie and wrote all over the back wall of a coffee shop. We were having the time of our lives,just sitting there sipping the best coffee in the world,talking and laughing with each other. it was the best time I've had in a long time. And here are the lyrics to the song that was playing on the radio while it all happened

Everything Changes Lyrics

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close,
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal.

[Chorus:]
But everything changes
If I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel,
Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real.

[Chorus]
When it's just me and you.
Who knows what we could do.
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day.

[Chorus]
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word.
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?.
It wouldn't change how you feel.

God bless,with all my love
~Swan

Missing someone

I'm feeling a little low right now because there is someone out there that's dear to me,and I'm really missing him. He's always had good advice for me,and I'm wishing now more than ever that i could ask him for some. All those memories of us sitting out on the front porch,in the dark,talking about life and all the things in it that made us crazy,they all remind me of how blessed i am to have him. The best things about him are his kindness,compassion,and ability to listen to,and understand,me. What I'm missing most about him though is his motor-oil coffee and his greasy bacon and eggs. Along with many other things,he's also probably the best cook I've ever known. Who knows,maybe I'll hear from him soon,but until then...."Dude,I'm thinking of you"....

With all my love
~Swan

Song lyrics

This is one of my favorite songs in all of God's earth. It's a Nightwish song that was made exclusively for a foreign movie,and it's extremely hard to find on CD. I had a hard enough time getting the lyrics,but here they are...

~While your lips are still red~

Sweet little words made for silence.
Not so young,heartfelt love,not heartache.
Dark hair fall,catch in the wind.
Light the way,the sight of a cold world.

Kiss,while your lips are still red,
While he's still in silent rest,
While bossom is still untouched,
Unveiled on another hair.

While the hand's still without a tool,
Down into eyes While their still blind,
Love while the night still hides
The withering dawn.

First day of love never comes back,
Compassion,it's power never a wasted wrong.
The violin,the poets hand.
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care...


With love
~Swan

Just writing #2....

Right now I'm just writing because I'm tired. In fact i'm sooo sleepy that i messed up my last blog,and i'm too far gone to figure out how to edit the stupid thing!!! AAGGGHHHRR!.......*inhales deeply*.....I'm ok lol :]
Well my sister just came down to the underground dungion (our basement),and tells me that she's upset. She tells me what about,but i won't go into that right now. It's extremely cold down here,but i guese that's a good thing because i AM trying to wake up *grins* and i DO have a long day ahead of me....you know what? i just realized that while my sister was down here with me she pluged in her i-pod. I know this because on looking down at the PC i spot a little yellow "charging in prosess" light blinking up at me as though it were trying to speak to me..... =]

...Yea, i got nuthin...till next =]

all my love
~Swan

Just writing....

The city of sky

The city of sky is the most beautiful city in the world. It is a place full of happiness and love,full of bakers,weavers,artist,and poets. Where every day is autumn and all the trees look as if they were set on fire. People there are friendly and always treat you as family,even if you are just a stranger from the night. Oftentimes there is always an extra seat,or an extra mug of hot mead set aside for you if ever you should decide to stop by for a moment to rest your feet for the long road ahead. But what I love most about this city is it's sky (hence the name).
Every night the city lights up in such a way that it reflects off the stars and touches the hearts of all who look upon it. Many people have been here but don't know it as Sky,instead it is better
known as "Cloud Nine". But whatever you choose to call it,know that if you should ever go there,all of your dreams will surely come true...

with all my love
~Swan